The Feild Mice Call Me Slayer.

 I live in a mud hut with a thatched roof, where in the mice make their homes. I wouldn't have minded if they lived there (the mice), as long as they didn't make holes in my clothes, nests in my hair and eat all the food. But NO, they are hooligans and thieves and will eat through anything!

 So, war was thus declared and I began a life of murdering mice. Yes, missionary by day, mice slayer by night! I will not forget the first mouse I killed by my own hands. There I stood I staring at its now still body, tears streaming down my eyes knowing that I had just killed Steward Little. I questioned my morels like, "What's the difference between this and a bunny, would I kill a bunny?!" But, after a time my heart grew cold and I no longer felt remorse. In fact, I felt some small bit of victory. What have I become?! 

I killed this one with my foot. I felt kind of bad after...he was so little.

This one was HUGE!

This trap was made my my friend Merafu. Look as he fingers the popcorn with is last breath. :(

The kill and myself.

Now, I am not saying I am proud of these killings. This is one of the things that have dramatically changed in my life. I am no longer afraid of mice...The mice are afraid of me.

"Dark Nights Of My Soul"

 So I have seriously debated whether or not to post these. They are a little baring of the soul and somewhat remind me of a teenagers emotional Facebook outbreak, but with that said, what do I have to hide? I mean, you all know I’m not perfect. I am sure many of you may identify with the following. In fact, I know some of you do. This is what spurred me on to post these journal entries in the first place. Sometimes, just knowing that you are not alone is encouraging. This is not an update, this is not a missionary outreach, this is just me.

 Below are some of my journal entries from the past year. Yes, I am letting you read right from my journal. :)

Starting from last year. February, 2012:

In so many ways, I am afraid of the harm I could do here in Nagishot, many terrible things have been done in the name of God: Crusades, killing Jesus and the ones I have felt and seen myself.        I want to do the right thing but I am aware that this is only possible through the Spirit of God himself.  I am inclined to iniquity and lack of love. Sometimes, I hate sin and sometimes I ignore the voice in my spirit that beckons me to light.  I take pleasure in darkness, though I hate the loneliness that inevitably follows. Simply put, I am not good, not in the least.  In my flesh dwells no good thing at all, even my best things I do fall short of the glory of God. I am a sinner with no hope of righteousness! I have tried to conquer my thoughts and only think pure, I have failed. I have tried to master my feelings and respond perfectly, I have utterly botched. I have tried to conform my will so that perfection and grace is poured forth, I have tried and tried and failed…Oh, have I failed and ended so desperately unhappy in sin.

 'I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out...Who shall save me from this body of death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord, so then with the mind, I myself serve the law of God, but with my flesh the law of sin.'

Another journal entry:

Sin, like a Vampire walks around in my life, its power may be already dead, but it sucks the life out of me.  Why do I still sin? I thought God was the answer? Where IS all the peace and joy and all the things that I am supposed to have? Was I wrong about this Christian thing! I thought that Jesus was the Everlasting Well that I could drink from and never thirst again, but
 I am thirsty, very thirsty. Why?

Another days writing:

I have discovered that it is impossible to find pleasure in God while trying to seek joy in other areas at the same time. A divided heart will always be an un-happy one. I do want God, but I also want MORE, because of this, I lack joy, peace and all the wonderful fruits that spring forth when I am living in the Spirit. I know this, though I often forget it and I find myself in a very lonely place, speculating, wondering and forgetful of the Everlasting Well. When I do come to Him and Him alone, he does fill me and at that moment I am never ever thirsty for more.

 Another days writing:

So often I want to hear God’s direct voice. Now, I am no charismatic, but I am willing to change that if God wants to speak to me directly. That’s just it though, I want it to be easy, I want everything around me to be easy. I don’t want to have to read my Bible every day, I mean it’s work! I gotta read and everything! I want God just to talk to me while I’m snoozing in bed.  I don’t want to have the hard stuff of living in Africa, only the good. If I could just play with kids and people would spontaneously get saved and everyone would just want to do the right thing and eventually this studdly, godly guy showed up, that, of course, adored me, hey, sign me up for another ten years!  God has been good to me. God has been kind. Everything he does has purpose. I don’t always understand things, in fact, I usually don’t. I don’t understand death, especially of the unsaved.  It stumps me. Ignorance and sin anger me.  Knowing there are still some who have never heard, breaks me, but this I know, God had been good to me…and I trust Him.

And another:

I want more… I want something sensational! I don’t know what it is, but my soul is in ever search of it. I think it is love. There is something in me that screams that I must be loved. I don’t want to be loved just by anyone, I must be loved by someone noble, by someone whose love I don’t deserve and yet they are in-comprehensively in love with me.

 

I need more, something to shake me from this half-life. Something worth dying for, something worth living for, something worth dying daily for, I want to have a radical life. I want to be so much more than I am.

 

Haven’t I found you my Jesus? You who have shown such kindness, You have showered upon me gifts and love. Oh Jesus! Why am I still searching? Save me, help me see! There are times like this, when you feel so far away.  I feel so sinful and I am so afraid that I don’t even know you anymore.  

You seem like a stranger on the road, I wonder if you will look at me or pass by. Let me know you as you are. Oh Father, like a child I have ruined my picture, I have colored outside the lines... I have not trusted you.  

Confession, I am like the children of Israel: "And he called the name of the place Massah and Meribah, because of the chiding of the children of Israel, and because they tempted the LORD, saying, 'Is the LORD among us, or not?'"

Even though you've been here with me always... "He took not away the pillar of cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people"

But again:

I am still ashamed, out of excuses, helplessly lost, desperately miserable, sick, discouraged, struck down, falling, I am tired, I am weary, I am still not enough. GOD SAVE YOUR PEOPLE! THIS IS NOT WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE! 

Take my heart and heal it. Talk to me, I don’t want to miss it! Father, How can joy be in my heart? How can I rejoice when there is pain, such unbearable, unquenchable pain that hurts my heart and leaves me unmovable? Your church is wounded Jesus. We are lost, come find us, please! We need you to fulfill our purpose. We cannot do it. I cannot. I am hopelessly lost.
                                                                                                     Only in you is there hope for me.

Another journal entry (almost done!!!):


"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  "And without faith it is impossible to please God..." There is a feeling that seems to be eating away at me lately.  Yesterday, I coined it, "overwhelmed".  It's been building in my soul like a unwatched pot and yesterday it boiled over me.

 I went for a walk as an attempt to encourage myself but all I saw was need, empty eyes and my own helpless hands.  Feeling exhausted I went to sleep early crying and hoping the morning would bring some solution. I only woke up with an intense desire not to rise. I looked up in my dictionary the word, "overwhelmed" to confirm its accuracy.

 "Overwhelmed:  to bury or drowned beneath a huge mass of something, especially water. - Excessive or extra weight, to defeat completely."

 When reading this my face went hot like a good smack from a loyal friend. As one phrase seemed to shoot straight into my heart, "Where is your faith?" Where is my confidence and trust in HIM? Oh Father, forgive me! You who have done great and impossible things that I have seen with my own eyes. Now what I must have is what the whole Christian life is based on: Faith, believing You and who You are. You love me, you love the Didinga, you do all things with purpose and beautiful reasons - You have not changed! Father thank you for this opportunity to have faith, thank you for not showing me what you are about to do but merely teaching me to trust. There is no fear, no defeat, no failing with Jesus by my side, in the mist of darkness, unknown and confusion He is on the throne. If the tapestry is unseen, the way unmarked, the storm rising high, maybe this is him saying, "Trust me, trust who I am" 
                                                            And in the end, we will know we really do.

Last one (I promise!!!):

I remember the time Dad told me, as I leaned up against the door frame of our house, listening to the meadow lark, he said that he thinks all the birds sing an unfinished tune, never fully understood by the listener, but their music all together would make a beautiful symphony such as would cause the soul to worship.

I love how dad can look into nature and see what so many people miss.  

Today I am thinking about the unfinished tune I sing. Each believer has a life tune that when brought together and completed will cause the world to worship. What is the song, I wonder, that our lives will create together? I know my part must be something like this,“Faithful, faithful is he who is ALL, close, close to all troubled souls, beckoning me always to know him more, I love him, His love has changed me.” 

We are apart of  the body of Christ,  we are not alone, we have Him and we have each other. Our lives were meant to sing together in perfect harmony a song of praise, a love song to Him who loves us, who has saved us and who will redeem us.

Reading all these, as I look back on the past year, I see a common trend of doubt, confusion and yet, a thread of God bringing me to Truth. I am starting to see clearer, though I have a ways to go.

Being here has given me a love for the church (believers) that I never had before. Maybe it’s because I am in the midst of a place where who you are, IS your tribe and it’s made me lonely for MY tribe. We are one tribe, you are my people. I don’t know if that means anything to you, but it means everything to me.

Praying for you, oh beloved of God, praying for us. With him all things are possible, you are not alone, I am here too, stumbling, rejoicing, falling and being raised up. We will go forth by grace alone. God will have the victory! He will have the VICTORY, Hallelujah!

Beautiful Faces of My Life-

Walking down the path I see,
people who have become a part of me.
Forever broken my heart will be,
 broken by geography.
 Love for here, love for there,
 love for the people whose lives I share.
 Those who have caused me now to see,
there are more important things in the world than me.

 Just some of the faces I love.

"There and back again" By Abigail Banham

 Snatching up our few essentials and tossing them into a bag Kim, Bakita and I began the the ten mile journey down into Chukdum this last weekend. Chukudum, though rather a small village, is the metropolitan of Didinga, as you walk wide eyed you'll hear the loud music bursting from solar powered stereos, the high roaring engines of a few vehicles and a few people talking on cell phones. You will see sodas in bottles, random soaps in shops and maybe even a flashlight with Obama's face on it all imported from Uganda. One has the feeling of saying "Baby, we're in the city!"


Our aim for this journey was simple drink a coke and visit friends.We were successful on both fronts.

 Hiking down to Chukudum.

Bakita (a former student) and her sister Evelynn were our hosts and what magnificent hosts they were! Upon arrival we where offered a cool place to sit, chapati (flat bread), rice and beans and chai (tea) . They even rolled out a mat if we felt like sleeping. We felt like (poorly dressed) royalty.

Evelynn making chai.

Chukudum, located in the low lands, is hotter than Brad Pitt (I know there is a better way of explaining that but for some reason it was the fist thing that came to mind). Yet the hot afternoon brought on a lovely evening warmth that spurred on song after song under the bright African stars.When it was finally time to sleep Bakita and Evelynn insited that we sleep on their bed (a mud platform) while they sleep on the floor.  Have you ever felt so blessed by someones hospitality?

Kim and I were planning on leaving early the next morning avoiding the scorching sun but alas our plans were thwarted, being held as Chukudum prisoners as our friends prepared for us one final feast of cow meat (a very special treat.)

I tried my "Take my finger off" trick.

Well, at least one little guy fell for it. He's all like, "What?!"

 After filling ourselves with the large portions given to us, suggestions to "Just force it" were offered but our cultural sensitivity has it's limits, it's called "I am going to vomit."  After the feast was finished Evellynn and Bakita waddled with us to the head of the mountains and we said our "See you later'." We managed to leave during the hottest part of the day at around one pm. 

Kim, Evellyn, Bakita and myself.

 The stream on the way, filtering water.

Meeting up with some friends on the path we began the ten mile straight up assent to Nagishot. It was long...It was hot...It was really hot, it was so hot in fact that when stopping at a stream I joined everyone in stripping off nearly all my clothes and bathed in the stream (Don't judge, it was hot, everyone was doing it and we hid behind a banana tree) 

Finally we reached home just in time to take a nice cold bath and eat something before the sun went down.


Anyway, I better get off and do something useful, just thought I share a bit about last weekend. It was simply wonderful and amazing!

Schools out forever! Maybe.

The past week has been so good and yet it all began quite discouraging. After the first week of school only a  few students showed up, we were told by the end of that week that because of the lack of students the school would be temporally shut. This is obviously very disheartening as we were teaching Bible stories every day in class and it is the main "Work" we do here. I would like to say I handled it well, but to be honest I felt a bit lost, incredibly homesick and had a strong desire for copious amounts of chocolate.

I believe that God is completely sovereign in this and perhaps this is Him pointing us in a new direction. There is still a possibilities of teaching at the school, we will have a meeting this coming monday with the parents to find out why the children are not coming to school. Please pray for this, I believe there is more to them not coming then them just not coming.

Please pray for wisdom in how we ought to spend the next 7 months here in Didinga if school does not resemble. Bible study and Sunday school will still, God willing, be a part of our weekly lives and yet this will still leave our weekdays free. Here are some ideas we have been praying about.

After school program -

This would allow us to continue the Bible stories with our students if school does not continue.


Bible stories in Nepep- 

Nepep is a village around 10 miles from Nagishot, there is 2 very young believers there and we are praying about hiking there once a week to start going through the Bible with these two believers and anyone else willing. This is a huge prayer request, this village has not been open to the gospel in the past, we also want to be wise in timing. We hope to take a vision trip in the next two weeks.




More time with our Bible study members- 

Kim and I spent the whole day yesterday helping harvest a wheat field. Working in field with people is one of the best ways of building relationships here in Didinga. This may give us more time to spend with our Bible group and people in the community being able to build better relationships.


Vbs/Camp.

 Kim and I have been praying about having a VBS/ Camp for the end of our Bible stories for when we reach the end of the gospels and as we bring all the stories together around May or June and then another maybe in August focusing on life in Christ.

Something we are not seeing???

We want to be open to anything God leads us to, possibly something we are missing? Pray that God would reveal how he want us to spend our time here and that we would see it.

Thank you for praying!

Who's your Black Momba?!

Arriving at the Nairobi airport at seven was quite useless as we knew we would not be leaving for another SEVERAL hours. After checking in and weighing everything we, wanting to make the most of our time went to the coffee shop down the street ordering some small pastry and coffee. We are American.

Kim was eating a yummy green lettuce with mango salad(Okay she got the salad I got the pastry, go figure)   when I calmly pointed out that there was a worm presently also eating her bit of mango. She simply said, “Oh” putting that piece aside and continued eating. This is Africa.

Because we were afraid we had exceeded our cargo weight limit, Kim and I decided to wear our heaviest things on the plane, namely our jeans. This might not seem to be a big deal when you are going most places, but when you are going into a 115 degree humid desert…It’s dumb and yet with this decision we would save a whole 2 dollars and hey, a “A penny saved is penny earned.” We are American.

Kim and I waited in the tinny airport to be picked up by a man who said, “He is coming.” I think an average African uses their phrase “he/she is coming” the same way we evangelicals use “Jesus is coming” What we mean is “Could be anytime” What is unsaid is that it might be a loooong time. Then when you ask “How long?” we will most certainly say “Soon," for “Sooner is better than later.” What we both mean is, we want him to come soon and he might come soon and in the light of eternity, let’s be honest, it is soon. This is Africa.

Dying of heat and dripping with sweat we decided after an hour that this Africans "Soon" was just simply not soon enough for our trouserd selves.We are American.

 Being in Northern Kenya whist we waited our next day travel to Sudan, I walked down to the nearest duka (Small store) to buy my last delicious coke before I would be deprived of one for who knows how long in Sudan. Walking back, five young girls (Complete strangers) walked up beside me. One girl said, pointing with her chin, “You give me that soda” I smiled and said “No, way hosay!” She gave me a confused look and told me her name. (guess it wasn't Hosay).Also, for those of you who think this was cruel, not giving away my last coke, if I gave away everything asked of me on my way back I  would be empty handed, five years in debt and fully unclothed...Not kidding.  Anyway, One of the girls put her arm around my shoulder while two others grabbed bits of my hair rubbing it between their fingers as we walked along. We talked in broken English, laughed and talked about each others tribes. This is  something I love about Africa.

Arriving in Nagishot, Kim and I moaned as we looked at what had been stolen by lovely neighbors and what the mice had done to our kitchen and hut’s while we had been gone. Kim and I went to work like Martha Steward at a garden party except this was no garden party. With the occasional “Ehhh!” and sporadic gags our kitchen was on its way to being nice and tightly. We are American

Cleaning my hut was a bit of a challenge (That’s the thing about a mud hut, can't seem to get the dirt out) Just beginning my efforts on my mice ridden room I saw a black snake making itself at home and cozy next to my bed. Looking at the nearest weapon next to me,  a small Swiss pocket knife, I grabbed it with one hand and threw it stabbing the black momba right in the head…Just kidding.

 Not desiring to get so close to the little fella I went outside where I saw two teenage Didinga boys just chilling. I asked if they could help me with a snake problem and the boys literally raced to see who could get there first. After repeatedly hitting the snake on the head with a stick, Lobia held up his now mangled prize, heaving his chest into the sky and saying very James Bodishly “This one is very dangerous.” In moments like these I LOVE manly shivery. This is Africa.

Being quite proud of my presence of mind on the snake business, I finished cleaning my hut making sure there were no brothers or sisters snakes hiding somewhere. Just getting ready for bed suddenly something jumped out at me, I did the most practical thing possible…I screamed and hid only to see the back end of a startled cat running out of my room. Really?!  I’m all calm and cool over a snake and I scream at a startled kitten?!!!

Anyway, thought I'd just give you a bit of my life as an American living in Africa.

Insanely blessed!

I’m sitting in the Cheng Mai airport in Thailand waiting for the long journey back to my home in Didinga. With tears in my eyes and my feet curled up under me I cannot stifle the deep emotion of such profound encouragement within me. I feel so greatly blessed!

Six months ago I bought a plane ticket to China in hopes to see my brother, his wife along with my little niece who I had not yet met. After several attempts at getting a visa I finally was able to board the plane and start the journey to China mid-January. I couldn't wait to see my brother, everything in my soul ached for something... For family. My soul felt so tired and thirsty and loneliness ate away at me.

I will never forget those first few hours in China, I arrived in a light skirt and tee-shirt with only a small sweatshirt in my carry-on. The moment I stepped off the plane my lungs went into full shock as I forced myself to breath. It. Was. Freezing!  Coming from the hot, fresh aired small village life that I have been in over a  year to the crowded cold city of my brother’s life was so…Different! Once again I was reminded of how diverse and incredible the world is in which we live.

Then I saw my brother, standing there with hot tea in his hand among with the crowds of people, instantly, my heart was lighter, I felt I had come home.

China.

After changing into warmer clothes and then given even warmer clothes by my brother who looked in dismay at my sandaled feet, We caught a bus taking us to his home city. The next couple weeks were spend by late nights talking, chopsticks, chinese food, delighting in Leah (my niece), playing games and me marveling at the fact that my brother and sister in law speak Chinese!

Great Wall.

Yum!

Being with my brother and his wife and so many others things the past few weeks have been so encouraging! I can’t even tell you how my soul has been revived, taught, encouraged, challenged and inspired. I am so excited about going back to Sudan, I feel like in some ways I'm going again for the first time with fresh energy and passion, it feels so good!

As an unexpected turn of events my brother had a last minute meeting in Thailand, so I joined the trip!  The last week in Thailand with my brother was amazing…The weather was warm and the colors were bright and I found myself staring into the city just thinking, “There are so many lives I don’t even know about, so many amazing and gifted people, so many opportunities, so much potential…I never even cared about until now.”  I was reminded of something I had forgotten the past few months. I am not alone, I have never been alone and I will never be alone, God, who knows every heart of every hidden and unseen person of the world, is here with me and nothing I can do will ever change that.

I heard a story this past week about an older man who was asked by God “Are you teachable…Are you willing to learn?  His replied, “Have you seen my library? I have a doctorate!” God said,  “I mean are you willing to learn something new, something you don’t already know about?”

 That question has been wandering around in my brain the last few days, am I teachable? Am I willing for God to teach me something new, something unexpected, something I don’t know. Truth is, I am afraid of what God might teach me, afraid I might fail, afraid of looking stupid, unsure of what I am committing to and what it might cost, it’s all too big for me, this radical life! Then I realize, isn't that how it is supposed to be for all of us, too big for us? Isn't HE bigger than our small and frightened lives? Don’t we want him to be?  The radical life isn't meant to be lived just by the "radicals" and the obvious successful Missionaries, no, is meant for you, it is meant for me, it is meant for all the unseen and hidden people who I don’t even know or care about yet, it is meant for the Didinga and IT is the best and most full life beyond imagining. 

Thank you for praying, I know the reason this past month has been so richly encouraging is because some of you were praying it would be. Your prayers have been answered; the devil did not win…HE HAS GOT THE VICTORY! HALIUJAH!  Thank you Father.

Now, back to South Sudan I go…Back to my home in Didinga. 

Thailand. 

My  Niece, Leah. 

Seth and Jeanine (they stole my camera...bet they didn't see this coming!!!:) )

My  brother and me, so cold!